Monday, July 26, 2004

How do? That's bizarre. I woke up with the word Trebuchet going round my head for some reason. I think it was possibly the answer to a question in MasterMind on Sunday. I just started typing the blog and the font looked funny, so I pulled down the drop down menu for Font and just above Verdana was Trebuchet.

Small piece of advice. When retiring for the evening with your sado-masochistic wife, it would be wise not to suggest that it's "time to hit the sack", you could be falling asleep some considerable time after her.

No I'm not trying to be "arty", but I just finished reading Jean Paul-Sartre's - Age of Reason, which I would recommend as being nowhere near as tricky to read as one would think. Inside the back cover though was the instrauction, "Not for sale in the USA". I mean, here we are criticising the Americans for their lack of intellect and desire for all things dumb (look at their leader) and we are actively prohibiting superb pieces of literature from them. Unbe-bloody-lievable.

I was reminded today of the theory that human life evolved from the sea. This was due to the number of lobsters I saw gingerly making their way into work this morning after a blisteringly hot weekend.

I am scared of our local (down town) shopping "precinct". Here's why:

Last Saturday I was again marvelling at the huge snake of people queing for bread at the bakers (there are other shops that sell fresh bread you know), whilst gazing with a numb brain at the shite in the local gift shop that they were trying to insist could be given as gifts to people you like, rather than as an indication that you hate that person so much that they are worthy of only  a mass produced, inane piece of kitsch junk as a birthday/anniversary present. For sale in the window were a number of minature, one tenth scale, ceramic, electric guitars......(I leave a pause for that to sink in)......ceramic electric guitars. So what type of person is this aimed at for a start off?! A rocker that collects pottery?? An aging spinster with a penchant for Angus Young and Eddie Van Halen?! What is the point? I will eat one of those ceramic electric guitars if the whole range is not in the sale within 3 months.

Anyway, while I was staring in disbelief at these lovely gifts, a woman started playing Lady In Red on the saxophone about 6 feet away from me. Horrific enough, without it being in such close proximity. Whilst reeling from this audio and visual assault of banality I stumbled into the Addams Family (not sure of their real names, but you get the image) who had come down to the precinct for their lunch. The mother and father were suitably massive with troll like features, but the twin boys were strangely angelic. No actually, more like gay. They both had matching Cinderella lunchboxes (?!) and sandals with socks. I couldn't help but start to giggle as the weirdness of it all overwhelmed me, which nearly sent me into paroxysms when the father dropped his pasty onto the floor, only to wipe off whatever fag ash, dog shit, bird feathers, mud etc had stuck to it and take a massive bite from it.

Later that day Sarah neglected to tell me the toy bike on the work surface was being repaired with superglue and as I picked it up, managed to stick my forefinger and thumb together in a suggestive onanistic hand signal. Cheers.

Bye now.

Monday, July 05, 2004

Here's a suggestion, next time someone asks you what "your last slave died of", crack their skull with half a housebrick and as they lie dying tell them, "Insolence".

Two friends, Steve and Sara, got married on Saturday. I know you're not interesetd, it's just a record of the event for me.