Thursday, October 21, 2004

Get off me you bummer! I'm in danger of becoming a Spaced geek. I must have watched both series' three times in the past three weeks after buying the new 3xDVD box set - awesome.

Interesting (to me) factoid - Guy Pratt who wrote most of the incidental music to the show played bass guitar on Lemon Jelly's - The Staunton Lick. Just one of the jaw droppingly, achingly hip and just plain old interesting facts you can learn when you hang around with me day to day.

Watched The Cooler, which was superb. And Secret Window, which made me say, "What a load of shit!", to the TV screen. I guessed the ending within about 5 minutes of the film starting. Poop a loop soup, as Booger would say.

Was in hospital last week with a supected appendicitis, although the NHS didn't actually get round to diagnosing anything at all, so it could have been a 1/100 scale spaceship that teleported into my colon from a different dimension and no-one would have been any the wiser. Of course I found some humour in the proceedings, well, more in the people around me. I was in the cardio\thorassic ward - people with scars down their chests to put autopsied corpses to shame.

Throughout the first couple of nights my morphine induced sleep was regularly interrupted by the screaming of an old bloke who the nurses told me later was "confused". Sounded like the sort of "confused" you might be if you were to have an umbrella opened up in your urethra - he didn't sound happy. In fact the combined moans and groans throughout the night and day sounded like a group of disappointed wrestlers playing Resident Evil.

I had a completely irrational craving for a strawberry Opal fruit. Sarah brought me in a Starburst, but it didn't quite hit the spot.

The most surreal daytime TV I saw was for a programme on bungalows on the south coast - very scary. Loads of mentalists showing you round their hovels. One biddy said of her 10ft square front room, "I wouldn't want anything bigger, you know like a mansion (like you've got an option!), because they're too impersonal. I like it nice and cosy". Oh yeah, stretch your feet out when you're sitting on the couch and melt the end of your slippers on the 3-bar fire; move the furniture around like one of those slide puzzles in order to get a space to open the door etc. One woman said that her larder faced south and so wasn't any good to store food as, "It would melt"!! What, do you only eat Cornettos or something? Not all food melts when it get's hot love. Another woman told us (with an insane smile) that they used to keep goats and every once in a while they would kill one and eat it. Yum, Billygoat Burgers, Nannygoat Nuggets.

Anyway, bless the company health care scheme, cos I'll be going BUPA next time. C U suckahs.


Monday, October 11, 2004

Had a nice weekend thanks. Went visiting relatives at the weekend - Sarah's aunt is a trifle mental. She gave us mugs of coffee on saucers and we had napkins with our biscuit (singular). The coffee was nice, but I could see the psychology she employed. By keeping me waiting for 20 minutes while she made it meant that I was so desperate for a drink that I would have drunk anything. What then followed was a very odd mixture of waiting for other relatives to arrive, a buffet where everyone sat round the table (!?), food being continually forced on you with comments of, "You haven't eaten very much", "Don't you like my cooking", "Do you want another potatoe?" etc etc. Your potatoes are the size of my fist, how many do you think I can eat in one sitting?!

Yesterday was better. I took Tibbler out to Checkendon to see the Maharaja's Well. Fairly boring, ornate well with a golden elephant on top. But Checkendon did have a wicked mini-adventure playground - 1 metre wide slide, rope swing, tunnels, ladders all sorts. We picked up a load of acorns and sweet chestnuts (which we roasted later) and then went for a ramble in the woods round Cane End - very relaxing. I saw Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow in the evening, which was OK, plot was a bit Swiss Cheesey - I liked the shots of robots stomping through New York, Shangri-La, underwater robots, Dan Dare style rocket ships etc etc.

This is shit isn't it? Where's the humour, the knowing observations, thought provoking statements and the inspiration in this blog? I might have some kind of brain disease. Or I might be old.

Friday, October 08, 2004

Eek. I sold a Stephen King book to a chap at work and didn't realise that inside were two pieces of paper detailing about 5 dreams I'd had back in 1992. Slightly embarrassing - they were mental as well.

Couple of thoughts - farts are like laughing gas, because whenever I fart and the smell hit's me I start laughing. Also, your thumb would make a really good mini-drumstick to a cannibal.

Comment on the fox hunting ban. Do you think that they should get some perspective on this? If we suspend reality and say that fox hunting is a sport, it's not like the Government (representing the majority of the UK public) is banning hockey or golf or something that is actually a sport, watched and enjoyed by millions; televised and taught in schools etc. Jeez Louise, you're chasing an animal, however vicious, to it's death by ripping apart. Nice "sport". And all the people out of jobs due to the ban? Er, tough. Perhaps you should get a proper job, caring for underprivileged children, become a teacher, a policeman, a nurse\doctor etc.

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

Well, I did buy the Kasabian CD and bloody good it is too. Stone Roses\Happy Mondays crossed with UNKLE\South in a nu-baggy kind of way. Also bought shed loads of CDs and records from the record fairs in Oxford and Reading at the weekend, including a 12" copy of Caustic Window - JoyRex9 for £2!! Good CDs from Aphrodite, Mr Complex, Deep Dish in Toronto and Zion-I.

Also bought the Spaced 3xDVD and Star Wars box sets. Plenty of time to try and find now to watch them all.

Here's an idea that someone could steal (I have enough to go round): small, 3 inch, vinyl records containing either your favourite sample, or a sound, piece of music, piece of speech - whatever - that epitomises you and yourself. And you wear them as badges, but they actually play on record players, so you can go to someone's house, club, wedding disco etc and put it on the deck to play. Well it sounded good in my head, not so much now I see it written down.

The other day I was watching one of those Mental Traffic Cop Videos Part 5 programmes and one of the coppers came up with this statement, which I'm having trouble elucidating exactly why it made me go "Durrrr!". He was talking about criminals in cars:

"Not all drivers are criminals, but most criminals drive cars"

Someone who's good at logic must be able to sympathise with me here? I can't put my finger on why it bothers me so much, surely it's a stupid statement. Or maybe it's just me. Not all statements are stupid, but most people who make statements are stupid, eh?

I don't eat fruit. A statement that I can pull apart straight away (it's why it takes me so long to write a bloody blog sometimes). Am I suggesting that I don't "eat" it, but that I insert it into my body for assimilation? Or maybe I juice fruit so that I can drink it all up like a good monkey (people who eat fruit are monkeys in my world)? Really I don't eat fruit per se, it's too sour and the textures are disgusting. e.g pith, passion fruit seeds, pear skin, grape skin, any skin actually, the banana slime\alum contrast (what's that about? the actual banana bit has a funny saliva absorbing coating, then is hideously slimy inside like an alien turd). And it doesn't fill you up. You can eat pounds and pounds of the stuff (which would also cost you shed loads of money - it's expensive staying healthy) and never get full up. Which rankles with the action\reaction balance of my mind. If I'm hungry I eat, but not fruit cos it doesn't fill you up. If I'm not hungry then I don't eat anything, including fruit. OK monkeys?

I'll need to start writing about Reedy as well - he is a star. Very funny with loads of idiosyncrasies (correct spelling?). We were talking about not coming in for work ever again and he just mentioned that he can't wait to win the Grand National. I presume he meant the National Lottery, but I now have a superb image in my mind of Reedy, slaver all over his muzzle, wide eyed, with a small Irish man on his shoulders, whipping his ass over the finish line to the shouts of the Aintree racing crowd.

Just ran spell checker on this blog before publishing - why does it not recognise the word "blog"?

My previous use of the word "elucidating" has finally cleared a possible 10 year mental block on the word. I've, ironically, struggled to find the correct word to explain the problems I have trying to explain myself. And suddenly it just popped into my head. Excellent.

Lastly, not so excellent was the day off I had yesterday - suspected food poisoning from some ham, 3 days past it's use by date. My catchphrase yesterday? "Must run!"