Oh yeah, so I had a camera up my jacksie on Friday, but they couldn't find shit. Do you see what I did there? Comic, er, genius. So anyway, the erudite and perceptive NHS diagnosed a big fat nothing as to the cause of my debilitating intestinal pain that knocked me out for about 2 weeks last month. I do love general anaesthetics though don't you? I was knocked out so they could manouevre the camera and it's tripod and cables and cameraman etc up my back passage and I was like, "Right here we go. He's injecting me now, my arm feels a bit funny, but I'll try to control the............". Then I woke up an hour later and had the wickedest cup of tea in the recovery room that I've ever had I think - awesome. And I was high for the next 3 hours or so. Bought a load of Christmas cards on the way out of the hospital that I don't really have any recollection of, except I vaguely remember saying that they "looked pretty". Ah, bless.
Lost pop stars -
- Axl Rose - "Where do we go now?" (Re-hab?)
- The Eagles - "Welcome to the Hotel California" (err, this is Sunnyview B+B mate)
- Diana Ross - "Do you know where you're going to?" (the Heathrow Customs strip-and-search cubicle?)
- Yes - "Somehow I'll find my way home" (yeah, but with that girly voice Jon I wouldn't ask any hairy bikers in leather caps for directions if I were you)
- Talking Heads - "We're on a road to nowhere" (no, this is the road to Swindon. Oh, I see what you mean)
- Damian - The Timewarp (happens when you "pop out" to the 24 hour garage after a heavy club night)
- etc etc etc
Just while I remember, if you do sell your camera phone to a mate at work, make sure you erase all the pictures on it of you dressed up like a woman in a blue backless dress first (WTF!?!?!).
I was in Marks+Sparks t'other day generally feeling superior to the cattle like browsers being herded through the shop buying Christmas presents, and Toby became rather fascinated with a whole display of boxed tights. When I checked them out I could see why. They were maternity tights featuring a picture of a woman so heavily pregnant that she looked like she was hosting a yeti or something. What caught my eye was the fact that these tights boasted, "Bare open toe's". Like they would be useful for rock climbing or something, you know, to keep you toes free for better grip. They looked absolutely bizarre. I was going to get you a picture, but thought better of my wife finding images of maternity tights in my internet history.
My poor old Ma gets a bit confused, bless her. She was talking about a burger bar in Oxford called Maxwells and she described it as being like TJ Fridays, which is, I presume, a cross between TJ Hooker and TGI Friday's; a kind of Burger King for cops. She might have hit on an idea there....maybe not though. Then she called TK Maxx, Tex Mexx - kind of like a cheap clothing outlet for cowboys then [Oh shut up with the shit puns you tosser - Ed]. Anyway, after reading about pilchards in a magazine at her house I went searching through the cupboard for any tinned fish I could find. I found a jar of anchovies and proceeded to eat one, got it stuck halfway down my throat (bony buggers aren't they?) then honked it back up in the pedal bin. Note to self; AVOID.
Final thought for today, you know if you open up a Read only file, in say Word, and then close it, it asks you if you want to save any changes you made. What is it, taking the piss or something? It's Read only! Tosser.