Tuesday, January 25, 2005

I was just thinking about graffiti and whether it would be interesting to attempt graffitiing a building or wall that's just about to be demolished. I think it was inspired by the seemingly mental domino world record attempt shown over christmas where they were attempting to finish portions of the course while it was in full flow. They failed a couple of times - smart idea. Anyway, I have got a mental image locked in my head (the only place you can have a mental image if my memory serves correctly) of the ball swinging down behind me, me spinning round to see it bearing down at my chest, being frozen in fear and then getting resoundly crushed against the wall behind me. Now I can shake the thought I'm getting all stressed out. Dammit.

Deep Blue Sea is rubbish, but I still watched portions of it last night. More accurately I watched portions of the people the sharks chomped up - they ate everyone, it was wicked. They worked in a pair and it made me think of them commenting on their meal: "Mmm, not bad, quite al dente actually", "Yes, a bit too salty for me though", "Well it IS the sea you dork", "Who are you calling a dork, numbnuts. I'll chomp you", "Yeah? I'd like to see you try..." etc etc.

The guy doing the intro on the new Handsome Boy Modelling School CD is the guy that voiced the French explosive expert in Disney's Atlantis, I'm sure of it.

But, just because you get a coffee at work with the no-spill lid cover, doesn't mean you have to keep it on when you get to your desk and slurp out of it like some tard that has to be protected from themselves. You're a grown up, you can take it off and drink out of it like it's a cup. Which it is. Aaaand, when I'm waiting for a coffee myself and there is just me, you and the guy being served in the queue, you don't need to shuffle up behind me so close I can hear you breath everytime I move an inch closer to the counter. No-one's going to slip in between you and me you spunk monkey. Be aware of mine, your's and everyone else's personal space otherwise I'll have to stand aggressively with my elbows out and a foot trailing behind me to stunt your progress. Then it might just get violent. Well, maybe some good old English tutting and humphing at least.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

I want to become a tree surgeon. I want to climb trees in the rain with a chainsaw for a living. Awesome. Or do it for fun.

Thinking of becoming a child? Follow these simple steps to get you on your way:

1. Whittle a piece of wood with your penknife
2. Travel everywhere on a bike and put cards in the spokes (brrrrrrrr)
3. Eat sugarcubes from the bowl when you go to a cafe
4. Start writing in pencil and use one of those organ-grinder-like pencil sharpeners
5. Put up some posters
6. Tape Top of the Pops and write down all the lyrics to one of the songs
7. Give your self tasks to complete in a certain time or the world will blow up

I was standing behind a student in Boots in Oxford on Saturday and he was buying a packet of condoms and a big tub of heel scrub exfoliant. I reckon he was going to give his girlfriend a foot massage and then they were going to "do it". Nasty.

Just before Christmas I had a thought as I was falling asleep, which I often do as the neurotransmitters start shutting down and misfiring, about opening a shop for a week. It would have a massive black K in the window and have basic, white t-shirts, mugs, pencils etc for sale all logo-ed with a K. If anyone spoke to me I'd try to speak using as many K words as I could. It could be a really rubbish experiment to see if people would be intrigued to buy stuff. Anyway, the next on the BBC's collective page I read that Jimmy Cauty (of KLF and K-Foundation fame) was opening a shop (!) at the London Aquarium Gallery called Blackoff - a post terrorism gift shop. Bizarre co-incidence?

From a standing jump, how many stairs can you jump up backwards? I can do four, but reckon I can do more.

I was in the horrible fags, mags and lotto council estate newsagents the other day and noticed that they had seven copies of a magazine called, "HTML Web Design Monthly". I wonder why that hasn't been selling to the out of work Chavs coming in for their 40 Lambert and Butler? Maybe they'd prefer "Crapbook Weekly"? Of course I realised afterwards that the price label was obscuring the "S" in Scrapbook.

Do tired mountain people communicate by yawndelling? I would if I could be bothered.

Are you one of the unlucky "too observant" people? I am. I always notice when meek people are trying to join a boisterous conversation, or when a quiet dormouse tries to make a joke that no-one hears. I always seem to notice that all the seats round the table are all squashed up together and so make room for the gimp no-one wants to talk to so he sits next to me. By being observant, you pay people attention, unwittingly, and they latch onto it. Why can't there be someone else observing me and rescuing me, eh? Are you paying attention? Thought not.