Monday, December 11, 2006

I had to go and watch the little boy in his first nativity play last Thursday. As a newly hardened atheist this was a fairly interesting experience. Having immersed myself in atheist literature, podcasts and watched countless movie files of lectures, debates and documentaries it was a real slap across the face to hear 70 young children singing, “Hallelujah to the Lord above” with all their hearts :-/

I had to flick my V’s at a Methodist church on the way home to make myself feel better.

One kid left the stage about halfway through with a teacher holding a box of tissues. I say “kid” in both senses of the word, as he was a boy playing a small goat (!). I didn’t really give that much thought to it, until the head teacher at the very end of the play revealed cryptically that the youngster had obviously got stage fright and had to leave. He shuffled onto the stage so he could get the chance to actually say his lines in the play. “Why would a king be born in a stable?” he sniffed, but this was after it had all finished and it just sounded stupid. How embarrassing for him; poor kid standing there in hisrubbish goat hat and white tights. I’d have preferred to get changed and just go home and excuse myself with a claim of partial amnesia or mild Ebola or something.

All in all I saw Toby for approximately 30 seconds at the very end of the performance. It was with literally about 5 minutes to go when I suddenly got a cold chill of realisation that I hadn’t actually seen him on stage or on the floor at all. I was thinking, “What if he’s been abducted? What if I’ve been standing here for 50 minutes like an idiot watching other people’s children fluff their lines and sing like castrated mice in a p*ss poor Nativity when he was actually abducted right at the very beginning and is now on a cargo freighter steaming towards North Africa?!”. Anyway, I saw him finally when he went up to take a bow for whatever it was that he did in the play. I have no idea.

Check this Jesus Christ action figure out.

Or, even better, OCD action figure!

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Cliff! Was
in the news just recently as he and Jethro Tull were campaigning to get the copyright laws on recorded material extended from 50 years to 95. His early recordings from 1958 will become public domain in 2008, to those that want them, and he's been bellyaching about it, quite rightly I suppose. He will after all lose all control over the recordings and more importantly he won't get a bean in royalties from anyone that plays them after that date. I wanted to find out what he had to say about the ruling specifically (to be honest I knew he would be a whinger and I just wanted to have a laugh at his expense) and so I went to his website to have a look at the News and Forum pages and, ooh what's this? A Blog.

To get into the inner world of Sir Clifford of Rich and his loyal fans I had to register on the website and today I received my first update e-mail from Jesus' favourite leather faced tennis partner and it opened thus :

"Cliff isn’t just known for his musical successes (no, he's also known as a closet homosexual, Bible-bashing, Botox zombie too) - but also the fragrances his hits inspired, which have become bestsellers, worn by his legions of (undead) fans and by fragrance-lovers who just love the perfumes themselves (as opposed to the fans who only wear his perfume because it's Cliff's): Miss You Nights, Devil Woman and Dream Maker".

OK, so he's got three fragrances:

1. "Miss You Nights - warm and floriental, with its heady notes of ylang-ylang, rose and jasmine (which remind Cliff of his home [read - tax haven]
in Barbados)"

2. "Dream Maker - opens with a zing of citrus notes, which give way to a floral heart – inspired by the sweet-smelling flowers Cliff grows in his own garden [the grannies swoon], and with spicy, woody undertones"

3. "And Devil Woman – Cliff’s latest creation – evokes a heady sensuality, with a fruity note of cassis, and exotic ingredients from faraway lands: musk, precious woods, Madagascan vanilla and benzoin resin [what?!], from Indonesia"

I think those are quite weak names actually for the perfumes. They are obviously taken from his hits of the same name, but I think he had a whole raft of other song name possibilities to choose from that would have more obviously conveyed the type of fragrance they lent their name too. Here are some of my suggestions, all using Cliff's original hit song titles:

1. Summer Holiday - coconut, pineapple, cut grass and summer rain
2. Evergreen Tree - err, an evergreen tree
3. Dancing Shoes - foot odour and sweaty socks
4. Spanish Harlem - roses, blood, whisky and garbage
5. Bachelor Boy - BO, stale clothes, beer and fags
6. Chinchilla - damp fur, carrots and pee
7. Yugoslav Wedding (my favourite) - vodka, horse manure and cabbages
8. Jerusalem - petrol, gunpowder and myrrh
9. House Without Windows - rising damp, pigeon shit and tramps urine, and...
10. Willie and the Hand Jive - I don't think I want to investigate what that would smell like actually...

I think there's money to be made there. Obviously some perfumes would cater to a rather specialist market, but that's what Cliff does now isn't it?

Finally, I went to get a Dr Pepper from the vending machine yesterday and noticed an 8" x 12" sign on the front of the machine which just said, "Thirsty?". Um, yep. That's usually my motivation for buying a drink. What next, a sign on the lavatory door asking, "Need a wee?".

And I've just discovered that a little bit of Flora makes a good lip salve improvisation and it contains sunflower goodness and essential polyunsaturates for a healthy heart. Bonusk.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Hey kiddywinks, in case you hadn’t noticed, it’s December and the blackboard outside one of my local pubs reads, “Santa sez – drink early for Xmas!”. So obviously drink early, but please also remember to leave Christ out of Christmas from now on. We’re celebrating Xmas these days – and the bible bashers agree :0)

Every time I see starlings now I think of that
Carling “Belong” advert with the Hard Fi soundtrack (“Living for the Weekend”). It’s quite a clever ad and I love those swirling clouds the birds make. It makes me want to listen to the CD. But…it doesn’t make me want to drink Carling Black Label. I don’t think even a throat full of hot sand would make me want to drink Carling Black Label. Also, I think they missed a trick there and could have blended the swirling cloud of birds into bubbles in a glass of Carling being poured out. And, all it finishes with is the word “Belong”. If you don’t recognise the red, black and white branding of the wording then you don’t recognise the product either and it ends up looking like just a clever TV ident.

themightychew – 3, Marketing coke heads – 1.

What’s funny though is how I’m, mostly, impervious to adverts, but not to trailers for crap films. The latest trailer for the new Miami Vice film (which I’m guessing is going to be crap) has the Linkin Park\Jay-Z tune “Numb\Encore” running through it. I love the track and straight away I’m interested and thinking, “Yeah, I’ll get that DVD out, yeah that’ll be really good!”. Then I know I’ll watch it to the point where they play the Numb tune and that’ll be it, film over. I did that with the absolute bag of shite film In&Out (6 out of 10 on IMDB?!!). There was one scene in the trailer where Kevin Kline’s character, who is trying to prove he’s not gay, says, “I ran into him at the homo-section, I mean the inter-sexual!!”. It stil makes me laugh now. But all I have to do is think about the rest of the film and that smile quickly evaporates. Such. A. Pile. Of. Crud. The trailer sucked me in, but the actual film is the only one that I have ever walked out of the cinema from.

“Who dear me dear gay dear? No dear! How VERY dare you!!”

Whilst looking for a pic of Derek Faye (Catherine Tate’s 'gay man in denial' character), I found
this horrible 'right-on' Christian poster that has tried to piggy back onto popular culture to get Christ’s message to 'the kidz'.

Erm, do they know that the character they’re quoting is gay and that the reason he’s refusing to accept his gayness is because of the feared persecution and stigma that often then follows? The kind of persecution conducted so viciously by these very same religious types....

themightychew – 1, sad religious types - 0