Nice break? Yes me too.

One little observation I made over the Winter Solstice (Christmas to you), was the prevalently incorrect usage of the word "literally" in common parlance. For example, a taxi driver on the telly who was commenting on a lack of heating in his cab, remarked "I'm literally freezing my nuts off here!".

Now, for this statement to be true, his testicles (test-icicles?) would need to have frozen solid and then been snapped from their glass-like vans deferens, broken through his brittle scrotum and rolled down his trouser legs out onto his shoes. I don't think that actually happened however, as he appeared far too calm and collected for one to have suffered such an icy castration. Maybe the shock really set in when he started to thaw out though. Ouch.

Another example, which I forget the origins of, was a man who exclaimed that he could, "literally eat a horse". Really? I think even a baby Shetland pony would probably be too much for even the hungriest of gluttons.

This is the incorrect use of the word "literally" when what it should really be used for is to clarify and state that the metaphor in question is actually true to itself. e.g homeowners living under the approach path to Heathrow, who often experience the brief, warm shower that accompanies the onboard sewage tanks being purged on landing, would be quite correct to state that it's, "literally pissing down".

Interestingly, those who often comment, "I literally haven't got a clue" are making an incorrect statement of another sort. Quite often the fact isn't that they don't have a clue, it's that they literally don't have any idea what the answer might be. They have plenty of clues, just not any ideas. I've just realised that I may have plagiarised this idea from Russell Brand. They're all my own words though!

Now, bed wetting nail bombers. It cheers me greatly to watch the type of program I saw last night on BBC1. The kind of documentary based on some murderous lowlife who is caught, imprisoned and then psychoanalysed as being a bedwetting mummy's boy. The London nail bomber who detonated devices in Brick Lane (aimed at Asians), Brixton (aimed at Blacks) and the Admiral Duncan pub (aimed at homosexuals) was described by his psychiatrist as,"someone with very poor hygiene", "an inconfident, weak and bullied child", "a bed wetter" and a "possible closet homosexual". I just hope that he was watching the program in prison with hoards of rough blokes laughing themselves stupid at this description of him. Small punishment, but it probably had more of an impression on him than the 6 life sentences he got for carrying out the horrendous attacks that he simply described as his, "duty".

Incontinent twat.