Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Hey, you know how I've been working on getting my brain into gear this year? Well, I got a Nintendo DS with Dr Nagasaki's Brain Training, I've been following The Independent's Train Your Brain in 7 Days program, have promised to start production on my creative inspirations and I've been reading numerous books on thought processes, ethics, atheism, philosophy etc etc blahdi blahdi blah. Well I'm very pleased to report that it has really paid off. Today when I went to the toilet I discovered that I had put my pants on back to front this morning. 36 years old. Pants on back to front. Even Toby manages to get his pants on the right way round, most of the time, and he's 4.

What's more annoying is that my boots are such a massive pain in the arse to take off that I can't be bothered to get undressed in the toilet cubicle at work and so I'll probably have to wait until I get home to switch my pants round the right way. Now when I sit down I feel like the lower half of body is facing in the opposite direction to my head and torso. It is very confusing.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Nice break? Yes me too.

One little observation I made over the Winter Solstice (Christmas to you), was the prevalently incorrect usage of the word "literally" in common parlance. For example, a taxi driver on the telly who was commenting on a lack of heating in his cab, remarked "I'm literally freezing my nuts off here!".

Now, for this statement to be true, his testicles (test-icicles?) would need to have frozen solid and then been snapped from their glass-like vans deferens, broken through his brittle scrotum and rolled down his trouser legs out onto his shoes. I don't think that actually happened however, as he appeared far too calm and collected for one to have suffered such an icy castration. Maybe the shock really set in when he started to thaw out though. Ouch.

Another example, which I forget the origins of, was a man who exclaimed that he could, "literally eat a horse". Really? I think even a baby Shetland pony would probably be too much for even the hungriest of gluttons.

This is the incorrect use of the word "literally" when what it should really be used for is to clarify and state that the metaphor in question is actually true to itself. e.g homeowners living under the approach path to Heathrow, who often experience the brief, warm shower that accompanies the onboard sewage tanks being purged on landing, would be quite correct to state that it's, "literally pissing down".

Interestingly, those who often comment, "I literally haven't got a clue" are making an incorrect statement of another sort. Quite often the fact isn't that they don't have a clue, it's that they literally don't have any idea what the answer might be. They have plenty of clues, just not any ideas. I've just realised that I may have plagiarised this idea from Russell Brand. They're all my own words though!

Now, bed wetting nail bombers. It cheers me greatly to watch the type of program I saw last night on BBC1. The kind of documentary based on some murderous lowlife who is caught, imprisoned and then psychoanalysed as being a bedwetting mummy's boy. The London nail bomber who detonated devices in Brick Lane (aimed at Asians), Brixton (aimed at Blacks) and the Admiral Duncan pub (aimed at homosexuals) was described by his psychiatrist as,"someone with very poor hygiene", "an inconfident, weak and bullied child", "a bed wetter" and a "possible closet homosexual". I just hope that he was watching the program in prison with hoards of rough blokes laughing themselves stupid at this description of him. Small punishment, but it probably had more of an impression on him than the 6 life sentences he got for carrying out the horrendous attacks that he simply described as his, "duty".

Incontinent twat.