It's just, literally, occurred to me for no good reason that for some years now I have been selfishly harbouring the ultimate (ie most reliable) cure for the human hiccups. As you can well understand, there are certain things that must be in the public domain for the good of humanity and this I believe is one of them. So, without further ado (although I may have already used too much "ado") I will now divulge all.

If you are currently hiccupping or have performed one or more of the 'build-up' hiccups\backward burps that signal a bout of looping hiccups then you are experiencing, or are about to experience, what is simply an involuntary spasming of the diaphragm. This spasming, this 'body out of kilter with itself', is the single and only cause of hiccups. Drinking a glass a water, receiving a fright or holding your breath will not reliably cure your hiccups for the simple reason that hiccups are not caused by dehydration, a deficit of anxiety, or a surfeit of oxygen*. Hiccups are a purely physiological phenomenon and as such can be treated very practically, thus:

1. Inhale a lung-full of air (a proper, deep, lung-full) and hold it.
2. Simultaneously tense your stomach (abdominal) muscles and crunch your torso down onto your diaphragm. You may find it useful to hunch your shoulders forward and down slightly as you do so.
3. Continue to hold your breath, tense your abdomen and compress your diaphragm all at the same time for as long as you can - about 30 to 40 seconds should do it.

To use an analogy, what you are doing in effect is trying to hold with both hands the jumping frog that is your hiccupping diaphragm. Once you restrict the frog's movement and ability to jump, you will have brought the diaphragm back under the unconscious control of your body and brain and the hiccupping will cease.

Now, after this 30 to 40 second routine, as long as you don't pass out, pop an eye vein or tear a muscle somewhere, your hiccups should be gone. Simples.

Whilst writing this I had a quick scout on the net, and there are some seriously idiotic methods folks have suggested to cure hiccups, including "pressure on the eyeballs, traction on the tongue and inducing vomiting". I have actually had the bilious misfortune to vomit whilst hiccupping and it wasn't pleasant. More importantly it did not stop me from hiccupping. Pushing your eyeballs and pulling your tongue sounds equally unpleasant and I wouldn't bother with either of those suggestions. My method works because the solution relies on you controlling the rogue element in your body by your own means. Don't trust the interweb quacks: trust me, I'm a doctor.



*I realise that some of you may be trying to argue (I can't hear you by the way) that those classic remedies I listed (not the eye-gouging, tongue twisting, sick-up ones) all attempt, in a very vague way, to also address the spasming diaphragm. However, to use my amphibious analogy a second time, this would be like trying gingerly to contain a jumping frog using one hand and then leaping and yelping a lot when it touches your skin, allowing it to continue on it's jumping rampage. Actually, that might also be quite a good hiccup cure in itself. I'll get back to you on that one.