A. When pigs can fly.
They're great aren't they, topical jokes? Seriously though, we had a bit of a scare with Toby this morning. He woke up claiming to feel really ill. We thought he was telling porkies, but then he came out in all these rashers. Luckily the doctor gave us some oinkment.
It really is no joking matter though (as those monumentally poor attempts at humour clearly illustrate). But I don't just mean the main flu situation, I mean the media coverage. Feverish is the word is it not? I mean come on, let's have some restraint; calmness; perspective; purlease. From the reams of printed matter and gigs of webspace already devoted to this latest "threat to the world" I have been able to discern that, at a personal level, there probably is something to be concerned about (and probably something to take action about) once it reaches your local community. Then you take the commonsense prevention measures that haven't really changed in the last 100 years or so, with the exception that you now also line the white-coat pockets (again) of Big Pharma by taking the Tamiflu\Relenza drug. But to be honest, as a fit and healthy 38 year old male citizen of the United Kingdom, with all that that affords me, I'm in a better position than the majority of the people in this world likely to be infected by flu, and I would prefer that the UK government gave my course of flu drugs to someone that needs it, i.e the third-world population that are destined to be most hit by this latest outbreak. When I say "hit" I am of course using it as a euphemism for decimated; man, woman and child (and pig).
If "we" want to do something about the pandemic, then let's get internationally co-operating and send drugs, not reporters, to the exposed and vulnerable countries NOW. At this rate there's a 100% certainty that I'll be sick of the press and TV hyper-panic long before I get sick from any kind of flu.
There was an excellent article from Deborah Orr in The Independent and also one from Ben Goldacre in The Guardian, which, although seem to be at odds with each other, sum up pretty much my views on this entire phenomenon. Nuff said.
I'll take this opportunity now to publicly coin my oft muttered idiom, "Nothing ever happens" so that we can then revisit this topic in a year's time to determine if anything really did happen. Which brings me, via Del Amitri (yes I know), to my latest Spotify playlist, "The Antidote to the Swine Flu Fever" by themightyflu.
Hot Chocolate – It Started With A Kiss
Them – Gloria [Explanation - it started supposedly in La Gloria, Mexico]
Pigbag – Papa’s Got A Brand New Bag
Tori Amos – Caught a Lite Sneeze
George Benson – Shiver
The Smiths – Panic
Public Enemy – Don’t Believe the Hype
The Coral – Pass It On
Electric Light Orchestra – All Over the World
Del Amitri – Nothing Ever Happens
The soundtrack to "parmageddon" (credit to Ben Goldacre)? You decide.
Enjoy, carriers.
2 comments:
I'm actually not sure what's worse - Swine Flu or your jokes about Swine Flu. Well, obviously I know that the actual Swine Flu is worse than making lame jokes about it given that the former has lead to actual deaths and that latter is unlikely to cause even a faint stomach cramp due to the lack of laughter it inflicts. Perhaps what I really mean to ask is whether Swine Flu is really any worse that regular flu that is also known to cause death in the weak and infirm. The only discernible difference that I can tell thus far is that it has a different incubation host that affords an opportunity to name it something that conjures images of crazed pigs practicing cannibalism upon each other as a result of catching the virus and developing a fever. What? Pigs have a tendency to do that anyway? Eek! or should that be 'Oink'?
And anyway, I'm sure there will one day be a conspiracy theory that says this was all just a plot by the beef and chicken industry to bring the pork industry to it's knees/trotters?
By the way, I do want to point out that the term decimated originally meant to reducing something by one tenth. It was a discipline technique practiced by the Roman army whereupon squads of soldiers would be told to choose one of their number and execute them. Gruesome, perhaps, but not the same as the modern usage of the word which has evolved to mean total carnage and destruction. If you don't believe me, feel free to check Wikipedia - that repository of all human knowledge and wisdom for the facts.
Hey, we are true brother geeks! I hesitated from using the word "decimated" in this post because of the definition that you have so eloquently provided. I didn't feel that it was right, but then thought, "well, no-one's really reading this junk anyway". But that learned me didn't it?
Just checking that you're OK as well. I tried to call you earlier, but all I got was crackling......ENOUGH!
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